Diane Dreher

During the dark days of winter, many of us are feeling anxious and concerned about our future and our world. Yet in these times of darkness, political polarization, and uncertainty, we can still find ways to connect with the light and bring greater hope to our lives.

 

Years ago, in my college French class, I learned about Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, who wrote Le Petit Prince (The Little Prince). Saint-Exupéry was a pilot. He wrote about how, when flying at night, he'd look up at the stars and then down at the lights of people in their homes below. He called the lights below him "les étoiles vivantes, living stars. Stars above and stars below. Each person was a living star. This inspiring image has stayed with me ever since.  

 

Today, these étoiles vivantes, these living stars,  are the people around us—our loved ones, friends, and neighbors. And when we connect, we can see the light in their eyes and they can see ours.

Many traditions remind us to connect with the light beyond the darkness. During the winter holidays, Catholics light Advent candles for the four weeks before Christmas. My Jewish friends light the candles of the menorah to celebrate the eight days of Hanukkah, and my African American neighbors light red, black, and green candles in late December in the cultural celebration of Kwanzaa.

 

Now, instead of surrendering to the darkness or rushing through our daily tasks, we can pause to look more deeply and discover new ways to connect with the light. We can experience:  

• The light of appreciation for the moments of beauty in the world around us.
• The light of gratitude, when we pause to give thanks for the daily blessings in our lives.
• The light of compassion, when we connect with each other with greater kindness and understanding.
• The light of self-compassion, when we extend this kindness to ourselves.
• The light of inspiration that can guide us on our path.
• And the light of awe and wonder as we look up at the stars.

This year, more than ever, when we face the darkness and distress of political conflict, polarization, and uncertainty, I invite you to connect more often with the light within and around you. For by connecting, we can increase the light to bring greater hope to our lives and our world.

_________________

Reference

Photograph: (2013). Michael J. Bennett. A starry night sky with a tree silhouette in the left corner. Wikimedia Creative Commons Attribution. https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Night_Sky_Stars_Trees_02.jpg

We live in a painfully polarized country and divided world. Each day, our minds are divided by an avalanche of news of political unrest and natural disasters along with nonstop social media. I'm convinced that our divided attention has led to personal imbalance, insecurity, and anxiety, resulting in increased fear, defensiveness, and political polarization.

 

We can begin healing our external imbalance by first healing our divided minds, for research has shown that a divided mind is an insecure, imbalanced mind, subject to chronic stress.[1] In this stressful state, we cannot think clearly, listen to the people around us, or listen to our own inner wisdom. We cannot solve our problems effectively and build bridges of greater understanding in our world.

 

We can start healing our divided minds by practicing what meditation teacher Eknath Easwaran has called "one-pointed attention," focusing on one thing at a time in the present moment. [2]

 

This means really listening, focusing on the person who's talking to you, focusing on the vegetables you're slicing for dinner, and when you're out on the road, focusing on your driving—all without

worrying, planning, or multitasking. Just being present.

 

Whatever you've been doing, you can practice one-pointed attention by taking a slow, deep, mindful breath and slowly releasing it, focusing on being present right here and right now.

 

For the rest of the day, I encourage you to practice one-pointed attention—when you're walking, working, listening to someone, preparing a meal, or something else. Whenever you catch your mind wandering, multitasking, worrying, or planning, take a slow, deep breath, and slowly breathe out to return to the here and now.

 

Perhaps a reminder will help you remember to practice. Some of my clients wear a rubber band on their wrists, my friend Juan wears a Buddhist mala bracelet, and I wear a bracelet of clear beads to remind me to be more present.

 

Enjoy this simple practice and I wish you greater peace on the path.

References
[1] Killingsworth, M.A., & Gilbert, D. (2010,12 November). A wandering mind is an unhappy mind. Science, 330, 932.

 
[2] For a discussion of one-pointed attention, see Easwaran, E. (2008). Passage Meditation. Tomales, CA: Nilgiri Press.

 

I often hear people refer to the American Dream—as having a good job, a family, a house, and two cars in the garage. And many people strive for this dream.

 

On one level, this version of the American dream makes sense. According to psychologist Abraham Maslow, we all have needs for basic survival, food, and shelter. Yet there is more to life than fulfilling our physical needs. We also need a sense of belonging and fulfillment—a deeper sense of connection, purpose, and meaning .[1]

 

In the Renaissance, people believed that everyone had unique talents and strengths and they were expected to use them to fulfill their destiny and contribute to the greater good. This was a time of tremendous creativity from artists, writers, scientists, and leaders, when a poor boy from the English countryside whose parents could only sign their names with an X brought his strengths to the London stage as William Shakespeare.

 

This Renaissance of possibility still exists today. When we each develop and use our strengths, this creates a positive ripple effect where we all benefit.

 

I've seen this effect in the people I know. I've met someone who grew up as poor boy from the southern California desert with an alcoholic father and suicidal mother, then  became a brain surgeon, author, and founder of Stanford University's Center for Compassion, positively impacting many lives. Another person I know was a secretary at my university who volunteered to work for social justice, improving the lives of farm workers, the hungry, and homeless, and becoming an inspiration to all who knew her.

 

Now it's your turn. You can explore your own dream by thinking of someone you admire for living their dream of aspiration. Think of someone who's inspired you. As you focus on this person, take a mindful moment to embrace this person's life and inspiration. Visualize them. Feel a sense of connection. And ask yourself, "What do I admire so much about them?  What lesson do they have for me?" 

 

Now ask yourself, "What is my dream?" Pause and listen for the answer.

 

Be patient. The answer will come, now or later, as you see yourself living your own dream, reaching out to fulfill your destiny.  

When you are ready, you can take the next step toward your dream.[2]

 

References.

 

[1] Maslow, A. H. (1971). The Farther Reaches of Human Nature. New York, NY: Viking Books.

 
[2] Cloud image, Kritzolina. Clouds over a Covelong Beach. 24 April 2023. Wikimedia Commons. Creative Commons Attributions Share Alike. https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Clouds_over_a_Covelong_Beach_08.jpg

 

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

It's hard to live in peace when we are surrounded by gossip from negative rumors in the workplace to breaking news and online chatter about the lives of celebrities and politicians.

 

The Oxford English Dictionary defines gossip as "idle talk, trifling or groundless rumor."[1] When one of my favorite writers, Henry David Thoreau, would walk into town, he experienced his neighbors' talk about other people, local events, and the news as gossip.

 

When Thoreau had what he called "a surfeit of human society and gossip," he'd return to his cabin in the woods for peace and renewal.[2] And that was before radio, television, phones, social media, and stories of celebrities and political personalities.

 

Gossip on the media assaults us with noisy trivia, plunging us into chronic stress. And the cycle continues. When we're feeling stressed, we often seek distraction in online gossip.

 

Over 150 year ago, Thoreau realized, "Our life is frittered away by detail.. . Simplify. Simplify." [3] To restore our peace of mind in this busy, noisy world, we need to simplify.

 

Here are some possibilities:

• You can recognize the allure of online gossip, then STOP to ask yourself, "Do I really need to know the latest about some celebrity or political personality?"
• When you need to take a break, instead of being distracted by social media and sucked into mindless gossip, look out your window at the bright blue sky. Or better yet, step outside. You might even walk around to increase your circulation and raise your mood. Or you can look up at the sky, take a deep mindful breath and slowly release it.

Did you know that taking a deep breath and slowly exhaling—diaphragmatic breathing—can stimulate your vagus nerve and activate your parasympathetic nervous system, relieving stress and returning you to a state of calm? It's a simple stress reliever you always have with you.

 

I invite you to join me in this simple practice right now.

• Close your eyes if you wish and take a long deep breath in through your nose, hold your breath briefly for a count of 5, then breathe out through your mouth and say to yourself "I am calm, I am peaceful."
• Once more, take a long deep breath in through your nose, hold your breath briefly, then breathe out through your mouth and say to yourself "I am calm, I am peaceful."
• Now feel yourself more calm and peaceful, right here and right now.

Whenever you feel stressed, you can use this simple breathing technique to return to a calmer, more peaceful state.[4]

 

I wish you joy and peace on the path.

 

 

References

[1] Oxford English Dictionary. (2024). "Gossip." https://www.oed.com/search/dictionary/?scope=Entries&q=gossip

[2] Thoreau, H.D. (1999). Walden. New York, NY: New American Library. Quote in Chapter 9, "The Ponds," p. 138. Originally published in 1854.

 
[3] Thoreau, Walden, Chapter 2, "Where I Lived, and What I Lived For," p. 73.

 
[4] Breathing practice adapted from Jordan Friedman's wonderful "Quick Calm" practice. For more insights on stress management, see https://www.thestresscoach.com/about

 

Creative and reactive—these words look almost the same but are polar opposites.

 

Creative people live their lives with active choice and a sense of agency, discovering new opportunities, creating new possibilities for themselves and those around them.

 

Reactive people surrender their agency and control of their lives, programmed by external pressures.

 

It's a challenge to live creatively today when we're inundated by tidal waves of advertising and social media, competing for the valuable asset of our attention. It's all too easy to get dragged down into an undertow of enticing information, to surrender our time, our energy, and our sense of self.

 

Yet each of us is a unique, creative individual with our own special strengths. As I explain in my book, Your Personal Renaissance,[1] when people began believing that they had their own unique strengths to discover and use, this belief inspired the Renaissance. In an unprecedented wave of creativity, artists, writers, scientists, and leaders in many fields flourished. And a poor boy from the English countryside whose parents could only sign their names with an X brought his strengths to the London stage as William Shakespeare.

 

In our own time, positive psychology has confirmed the power of discovering and using our strengths. Extensive international research has revealed that beyond our cultural differences, there are 24 character strengths common to humankind. The researchers found and that discovering and using our top strengths can make us happier, healthier, and more successful.[2]

 

You can discover your own top character strengths by taking the free online survey at https://www.viacharacter.org/character-strengths-via which should take only ten to fifteen minutes.

 

What are your top strengths? Can you begin using some of them in new ways to begin living more creatively?

Who knows? If enough of us start using our strengths, we can make a positive difference in our lives. And we may even reverse the reactive trend in our culture to create a new Renaissance for our time.

 

 

References

[1] Dreher, D. E. (2008). Your Personal Renaissance: 12 Steps to Finding Your Life's True Calling. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo.

 
[2] Peterson, C., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2004). Character strengths and virtues. Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association; Seligman, M. E. P., Steen, T. A., Park, N, & Peterson, C. (2005). Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of interventions. American Psychologist, 60, 410-421.

 

 

Every morning, I meditate, wrapped up in a beautiful quilt made by my dear friend Tina, and my little dog, Ginny likes it too. My quilt combines a variety of fabrics in lavender and white, stitched together in geometric patterns.

 

Many of us are drawn to patterns, seeing separate pieces come together to form a larger whole. My friend Judy brings floral arrangements from her rose garden to her favorite coffee shop. Some of my friends enjoy assembling jigsaw puzzles. Others like working with wood. I enjoy stitching needlepoint tapestries, seeing the colorful yarns blend together in intricate patterns.

 

There are many patterns in the world around us. In my travels, I've met people with different personalities, backgrounds, talents, strengths, languages, cultures, and beliefs, seeing us all as vital parts of the larger human community. Yet these days, many of us feel threatened by our differences, reacting in fear, unaware of the larger patterns that connect us all.

 

The wisdom of nature shows us that beyond our fears, beyond all the reactive polarization, is the intrinsic oneness that connects us. The trees in my neighborhood breathe in what we breathe out, in an ongoing exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide that sustains all our lives.  

 

This week, look around you, taking time to notice nature's patterns—the shifting clouds overhead, mountains and valleys, green hills and deep blue sky. Look for the different colors and patterns in your neighborhood—the tall oak tree in your neighbor's yard, summer roses in bloom, neighbors of all ages and stages in life. Listen for the daily symphony of sounds, the whispering of the wind, the songs of birds, even a neighbor's dog barking in the distance.

 

Then pause to recall a time when you felt part of the larger pattern of life. Was it seeing the beauty of a summer sunset, looking up at the branches of a tall tree, walking in the woods, seeing squirrels scamper through the trees, birds flying overhead, or new seedlings emerge from the ground, connecting with someone you know, or something else?

 

Focus on that experience, breathing into your heart, and for the next few moments, pause to appreciate that experience, realizing how you are part of the essential oneness of life. 

 

 

 We can learn vital lessons from the ancient wisdom of the Tao Te Ching.

 

The Tao says:

Why do many people rush about

Reactively losing their balance?

They give way to emotion,

Impatience, and haste,

Thereby losing their center.

                                      (Tao chapter 26)

 

The Tao Te Ching was written by Lao-Tzu over 25 centuries ago in ancient China. Yet he knew, even then, how rushing can make us lose our emotional balance.

 

We now know that rushing and impatience put us into a stress state, which narrows our focus, makes us anxious, and shuts down our higher brain centers, making us less effective in whatever we do.

 

Our busy contemporary culture constantly assaults us with demands and interruptions, urging us to multitask, to cram more activities into our days. But frantically rushing from one thing to the next exhausts us, drains our energy, puts us into chronic stress which is unhealthy for our minds, our bodies, and our personal and collective health.

 

We can break this unhealthy habit of rushing by adding mindful pauses to our days—to return to the present moment, to regain our peace of mind by connecting with our inner wisdom.

 

Please join me now for a mindful pause, a brief moment of presence and meditation.

 

• First close your eyes or shift them into a gentle downward gaze.
• Then breathe in, focusing on your heart and slowly breathe out. You can put your hand on your heart if you wish.
• Again, slowly breathe in and breathe out.
• Breathing in, breathing out, feeling your shoulders relax, your mind become more peaceful.
• As you continue this slow heart-focused breathing, ask yourself these questions

               "How do I feel?"  Notice your feelings.

               "What do I need?" Listen to your heart.

               "What can I do about it now?" Listen for one small thing you can do now.

 

• And finally ask yourself, "What do I need to release?" Listen for the answer to simplify and center your life.
• When you're ready, gently open your eyes and return to the present moment, ready to take the next step.

 

Now whenever you find yourself rushing, you can take a mindful pause to listen to your heart, and return to center to live in greater harmony.

 

I wish you joy and peace on the path.

 

 

Our culture can limit us in insidious ways. Years ago, I read literary critic Jill Ker Conway's When Memory Speaks: Reflections on Autobiography.  She argues that there are two distinct models for our lives. Men's autobiographies follow the hero's journey, a pattern of action and adventure, while women's autobiographies follow the saint's life, in which, as the saint seeks union with God, women seek union with a romantic partner.  

 

In profound disagreement with her reductive vision, I created a senior seminar on autobiography for my college students, asking them to read Conway, and then Walden by Henry David Thoreau, which described his spiritual journey at Walden Pond, and Vera Brittain's Testament of Youth in which she defied sexist stereotypes to go to college and treated wounded soldiers on European battlefields as a volunteer nurse during World War I. Students would then select and report on an autobiography from a list that included the lives of Margaret Mead, Eleanor Roosevelt, Nelson Mandela, Winston Churchill, and Jane Goodall, drawing their own conclusions about the possible shapes of our lives.

 

I wanted them to realize that we can live creatively, following our hearts rather than accepting the confining dictates of our culture.

 

Has anyone ever told you what you should be because of your gender, ethnicity, cultural background, age, or other factor? These limiting messages can come from family, friends, institutions, or advertising. Going deeper, when you listen to your heart, what is it telling you about your own life's journey? For we are all unique, each with our own special part in the beautiful tapestry of life.

 

Remember to listen to your heart as you contemplate your next step in your life's journey.

 

If you have a few moments now, I invite you to join me in this brief meditation.

 

• Close your eyes or shift them into a gentle downward gaze.
• Then breathe in, focusing on your heart and slowly breathe out. You can put your hand on your heart if you wish.
• Again, slowly breathe in and breathe out.
• Breathing in, breathing out, feeling your shoulders relax, your mind become more peaceful.
• As you continue this slow heart-focused breathing, ask yourself, "Where am I being called to live now? What is my next step?"
• Take your time to listen, breathing into your heart, feeling your connection to the greater oneness of life.
• The answer will come, now or later as a gentle message from your heart.

 When you're ready, gently open your eyes and return to the present moment, relaxed and renewed.

 

I wish you joy on your ongoing journey of discovery.

 

______________________

References

Brittain, Vera. (1933/1994)Testament of Youth. New York, NY: Penguin.

Conway, Jill Ker. (1999). When Memory Speaks: Reflections on Autobiography. New York, NY: Knopf.

Thoreau, Henry David. Walden. (1854/2004). New York, NY : Signet.

 

 

 

Are you really present with what you're doing? Research has found that for nearly 50% of the time most people are doing one thing while thinking about something else.[1]

 

For example, it's Monday morning. Your alarm goes off and you wake up thinking about all you have to do today. As thoughts churn through your head, you're caught up in planning, thinking about the report you're giving at work, worrying about everything that could go wrong. Getting up, you head for the bathroom, brush your teeth and splash cold water on your face. Then you go to the kitchen to make coffee. Sitting by the window with your phone, you scroll through your email, barely tasting your coffee as you deal with announcements, ads, and requests. Then suddenly you realize you're running late. With no time for breakfast, you rush to get dressed and head out the door for your car. Halfway to work, you realize you've left your report on the kitchen table.

 

Obsessive planning, worry, multitasking, and rushing block us from being present.  Let's begin the day once more with a greater sense of presence.

 

It's Monday morning. When your alarm goes off, you pause to take a deep breath, feeling the comforting warmth of your blankets. When you get up, you notice the sunlight shining through the window. Opening the shades, you look out at the trees and the bright blue sky. With a sense of gratitude, you wash, dress, and head for the kitchen where you put on the coffee and cook a bowl of oatmeal in the microwave. Sitting by the kitchen window, you savor your coffee and breakfast, smiling when you see a sparrow at the bird feeder outside. Clearing up the breakfast dishes, you pick up your report and head out the door for work, smiling at the birch trees on your way to the car. 

 

What makes the difference between these two mornings? Attention. We live life on two levels: our separate self and our connected self. On one level, we are all individuals, with our own names, strengths, and personal histories. Yet if we live only as our separate selves, we can become disconnected, seeing life as a competitive struggle and spending our time planning, worrying, and craving external approval. When we expand our attention beyond our separate selves, we recognize our oneness with all creation, opening our hearts to a more inspired and holistic view of life.

 

When you find yourself getting caught up in separation, can you take a deep breath and look around to connect to the natural world, other people, and a deeper vision of life?

 

I wish you joy on the journey that connects us all.

 

 

[1] Killingsworth, M.A., & Gilbert, D. (2010,12 November). A wandering mind is an unhappy mind. Science, 330, 932.

 

My father grew up on a Kentucky farm but found his dream in the skies. Becoming an Air Force pilot, he flew cargo planes, air rescue helicopters, and jets. When he retired from the Air Force, he became a flight instructor. My favorite times were when he'd take me up in his Cessna 172 to explore the skies together, soaring over the Southern California coast and the sparkling blue Pacific Ocean.

 

One morning, I looked up in disappointment at the gray stratus clouds, thinking our flight would be cancelled. But my father reassured me that we could still fly that day. We headed out to the airport and took off.  When the plane broke through the cloud layer, the sky was suddenly clear and blue. My father smiled. "The sun is always there," he said. "Sometimes when we're too close to the ground, we can't see it."

 

We can also forget that the sun is still there in our lives if our vision is clouded by stress and everyday routine. Yet now, as the season of spring brings new life to our world, we can bring greater light to our lives by appreciating the beauty of nature.    

 

Appreciation can help us focus on moments of beauty around us that we often take for granted. Psychologist Dan Baker, PhD, considers appreciation the "fundamental happiness tool." He says that when we appreciate the beauty in our lives, we transcend our normal world and enter "a state of grace."[1] The appreciation of beauty and excellence is one of twenty-four character strengths common to humankind.[2]

 

When we open our hearts in appreciation, we can feel greater joy, meaning, and connection with life. Research has found that appreciation can help relieve stress, reduce inflammation, strengthen our emotional balance, and bring us greater hope. [3]

 

Sometimes our appreciation of nature can lead to awe, a deep emotional or spiritual connection to a power beyond ourselves. We can feel awe in response to a radiant sunset, a majestic redwood tree, and new signs of life in spring. [4] Psychologist Dacher Keltner, PhD, has found that awe can bring us feelings of deep, transcendent joy and inspire us to become more curious, creative, and open to the wonders of life.[5]

 

In this season of spring, I invite you to find more ways to appreciate nature, to bring the light of greater hope and possibility into your life.

 

I wish you joy in the process.

 

Diane

 

_____________________________________________________________________

References

[1] Baker, D. & Stauth, C. (2003). What Happy People Know. Kutztown, PA: Rodale Press. Discussion and quote on page 81.

 
[2] Peterson, C. & Seligman, M. E. P. (2004). Character Strengths and Virtues. New York, NY: Oxford University Press. Discussion on pages 537-538.

 
[3] Adler, M. G., & Fagley, N.S. (2005). Appreciation: Individual differences in finding value and meaning as a unique predictor of subjective well-being. Journal of Personality, 73 (1), 79-113; Childre, D. & Martin, H. with Beech, D. (1999). The HeartMath Solution. New York, NY: HarperCollins; Diessner, R., Solom, R. C., Frost, N. K., & Parsons, L. (2008). Engagement with beauty: Appreciating natural, artistic, and moral beauty. Journal of Personality, 142 (3), 303-329; Stellar, J. E., John-Henderson, N., Anderson, C.L., Gordon, A. M., McNeill, G. D., & Keltner, D. (2015). Positive affect and markers of inflammation: Discrete positive emotions predict lower levels of inflammatory cytokines. Emotion, 15 (2), 129.

 
[4] Adler, M. G., & Fagley, N.S. (2005). Appreciation: Individual differences in finding value and meaning as a unique predictor of subjective well-being. Journal of Personality, 73 (1), 79-113; Fagley, N.S. (2016). The Construct of Appreciation. In D. Carr (Ed.). Perspectives on Gratitude: An Interdisciplinary Approach, pp 70-84. Oxford UK: Routledge.

 
[5] Keltner, D. (2023). Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life. New York, NY: Penguin Press.