Diane Dreher

Do you have an inner critic in your head that tells you you're "not enough"—"not good enough,"  "You haven't done enough," nagging you to do more of that endless to-do list, to finish that project, handle those household repairs, answer that email, pay those bills, answer that phone call, and more. There is always more to do, so much that we can become human doings, not human beings.

 

And it is never enough. Even though we're stressed and exhausted by it all, we're never enough.

 

Lately, I've realized that this can be a sign that our lives are out of balance. We are more than what we do. We are evolving souls, here to learn, grow, rejoice, and flourish, each in our own unique way. And we need to be kind to ourselves.

 

If you've been feeling overwhelmed lately, I invite you to join me in this version of the Loving Kindness Meditation.

 

Take a deep, mindful breath and slowly release it.

Then say to yourself:

 

"May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be safe. May I be well. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be guided by the light. May I be happy."

 

Next, think of someone you love—a dear friend, family member, or pet and say

 

"May you be filled with loving kindness. May you be safe. May you be well. May you be peaceful and at ease. May you be guided by the light. May you be happy."

 

Then let your meditation expand to include everyone you know, even everyone on this planet and say

 

"May we all be filled with loving kindness. May we be safe. May we be well. May we be peaceful and at ease. May we be guided by the light. May we be happy."

 

Wishing you loving kindness and peace of mind on the path.

 

Our gardens offer enduring lessons of growth and renewal. A compost pile can turn weeds, fallen leaves, grass clippings, and kitchen waste into rich new soil. The same principle holds true for our lives-- we can compost old patterns into new possibilities.[1]

 

In an examined life, everything can be compost. Cherished memories empower us and enrich our lives. But so can painful memories from the past, old habits we'd like to break, patterns we've outgrown. Instead of dwelling on negative experiences, which can often attract more of them, we can compost them.  Becoming more mindful, asking "What can I learn from this?" and then moving on can turn a negative experience into a new cycle of wisdom and growth.

 

If you'd like to try this personal form of composting, please join me in this meditative exercise:

 

Close your eyes, take a deep mindful breath and slowly release it

Then, as you continue to breathe slowly and deeply, think of something in your life you'd like to compost:

• An old habit you'd like to break.
• A negative experience that keeps nagging at you.
• Ongoing guilt or resentment about a past experience.
• Something you did that you regret.

Say to yourself, "I am ready to compost this."

And take another deep breath and release it.

 

When you open your eyes, write your compost plan on a piece of paper or index card. "I compost___[name what you've chosen to compost]." Then sign and date the card.

 

For the rest of this month, look at the card each morning and say to yourself, "I compost ­­­­___," stating what you've chosen to compost.

It takes time to break old habits, so don't be discouraged. Whenever you find yourself falling back into the old pattern, stop and tell yourself, "I've composted that."

 

At the end of the month, tear up the card and bury the pieces in the ground, adding your compost to the soil.

Connecting us to the ongoing cycles of nature, composting can bring us new beginnings and renew our faith in life.

 

 

[1] An earlier form of this exercise appears on pages 30-31 of my book, Inner Gardening: A Seasonal Path to Inner Peace. New York, NY: HarperCollins, 2001.

Mindfulness, according to Jon Kabat-Zinn, "is awareness, cultivated by paying attention in a sustained and particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally."[i] So much of life can pass us by when we are disconnected from the present moment. Becoming mindfully present is simple, but not easy, especially in our Western world that puts so much emphasis on external accomplishment. And because our minds wander, we spend much of our time thinking about the past or future when we could be more present to life, right here and right now.

 

The present moment embodies the Taoist concept of wu-wei—being, not doing. When we're in a state of being, we are present, in touch with our feelings. We're not distracted, not emotionally numb, not driven by stress or feeling disconnected and alone, but present in the flow of life.

 

I invite you to join me in a mindful moment.

 

Find a quiet place where you won't be disturbed, sit comfortably with your eyes looking down or gently closed, and focus on your breathing, the natural rhythm that connects you with all of life.

 

Take a slow, deep mindful breath. Feel the breath flow slowly through your body.

 

Then gradually release it, letting go of any tension with each outbreath.

Breathing in.

Breathing out.

Only here, only now.

 

When your mind starts wandering—and it will—bring your attention back to your breath

Breathing in.

Breathing out.

 

Feel the deep comforting presence, the gift of this moment, this life

 

You can practice this short breathing exercise with your eyes open when you're waiting in line, stuck in traffic, or whenever you need to return to the present moment. Then you can use it to return to a more calm and centered space whenever you're feeling stressed.

 

__________________

[i] Kabat-Zinn, J. (2012). Mindfulness for Beginners: Reclaiming the Present Moment—and Your Life. Boulder, CO: Sounds True. Quote on page 1.

 

Do you enjoy teamwork? When I was growing up I used to love playing touch football with my friends. My neighbor Jim was the quarterback, preparing our plays by drawing strategies in the dirt as we huddled around him. Then we took our positions. Everyone had different skills. Some could block, some could throw, and some could run like the wind. Together, we could make a touchdown. And we had fun.

 

I enjoyed teamwork in my projects at the university. When I was department chair, I became the quarterback, recognizing my colleagues' different strengths and skills. Some of us were creative idea people, some good at details, some had strong interpersonal skills, and others could think strategically. Working together, we were a great team. It was energizing and it was fun.

 

Today, I enjoy being part of a team in my volunteer work. Instead of complaining about the way things are, it's more energizing to work together to  make a positive difference.

 

The humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers brought out the best in his clients by listening to them and helping them recognize their strengths. Then he used his strategies in the Carl Rogers Peace Project. Affirming the Tao leadership of empowerment, he carried in his wallet this quote from the Tao Te Ching:

 

With the best of leaders

When the work is done,

The project completed,

The people all say,

"We did it ourselves."

                                 (Tao Te Ching, Chapter 17)

 

You can cultivate teamwork in your career, in your family, or in your neighborhood by first recognizing your own strengths. What are you especially good at and what do you love to do? Then look for the strengths in the people around you.  Encourage everyone to use their strengths to reach a common goal. Feel the exhilarating energy of teamwork.

 

Now take a moment of meditation to visualize yourself as a Tao leader

Close your eyes,

Take a long, deep mindful breath and release it.

Think of a goal that you care about.

Now see yourself using your personal strengths

Combining them with those of the people around you,

Bringing out the best in them.

Achieving the goal you care about

Making a positive difference.

Feel the energy of teamwork

 

Now open your eyes

And take the next step

To make it happen.

 

Enjoy the process

 

 

 

The Tao Te Ching says, "The wisest person trusts the process"

                                                                 (Tao chapter 2).

 

Trust

that's been a difficult lesson for me.

 

When I was growing up, The world was constantly shifting beneath my feet.

My father was in the Air Force and we moved all the time, leaving familiar places and all my friends behind.

My mother was beautiful, charming--and unreliable, making promises, then changing her mind. I was never sure of her affection and approval.

 

So I learned to be defensively independent.

I learned to care and help others but afraid to ask for help and then be disappointed.

 

Today I am learning to trust the process

One small step at a time.

 

Asking for what I need has become a spiritual exercise

In a process of giving and receiving, a cycle of yin and yang.

 

If you've been struggling with trust in your own life, then join me in this brief meditation.

 

Take a long, deep mindful breath and release it.

Continuing to breathe slowly and deeply

Ask yourself, "Is there an area of my life where I've been stuck?" "Where I've been afraid to trust?"

Then ask, "What would it look like to trust the process?"

 

What is one small step you can take--just one?

 

Taking another slow deep breath, and slowly releasing it

See yourself taking that step.

 

If that step is successful, how does it feel? Smile and embrace that feeling

If that step doesn't work out, how do you feel and what can you learn from it?

 

What can you do next?  How can you take the next step?

 

It's a process

Moving forward

Just one small step at a time.

 

For as the Tao Te Ching tells us,

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

                                                                (Tao, chapter 64)

 

I wish you courage, trust, and joy on the path.

When I begin a new project, I'm filled with excitement, energized by new visions of possibility. But then somewhere in the midst of the process, inspiration gives way to frustration. I find myself in unknown territory. I'm confused. I've never been here before or done this before and I don't know where I'm going.

 

Part of me wants a map to this new territory or a step-by-step set of instructions. I want certainty for this project when what I feel is uncertainty wandering in uncharted territory all alone.

 

And yet, when I muster the courage to take even one small step, I discover a new flash of inspiration, new insight to light my way. As frustration turns to inspiration, the path ahead seems possible once more.

 

Frustration and inspiration are part of moving forward in any creative process that takes us into the great unknown. We don't know where we're going because we've never been there before. In any creative endeavor, we're explorers like Lewis and Clark, like Nobel laureate Linus Pauling, like Renaissance artist Leonardo da Vinci, on a journey to discover something new.

 

The message for all of us is to trust the process, to be present with each step, to listen for the lessons and look for the light to lead us forward.

 

For as the ancient wisdom of the Tao Te Ching tells us: "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

 

What is your next step on the creative journey of your life?

 

I wish you joy as you follow the light.

 

It's easy to get caught up in the daily drama of our lives. As the Buddhists say, attachment causes suffering. When we're attached to a sense of stability, we can experience unpleasant changes and challenges with intense emotional reactions. As Shakespeare said, we "strut and fret our hour upon the stage," the suffering hero of our own dramatic universe. Feeling sorry for ourselves, we ask "Why is this happening to me? Reacting in fear, isolated in our egos, we can fall into misery, blaming and shaming ourselves and others.

 

This is drama.

 

Then there is the Buddhist concept of dharma. With Dharma, we transcend our egos to see more clearly, realizing that we are connected to an infinite and meaningful universe. We can see beyond the current dilemma to learn vital spiritual lessons, discovering a greater sense of purpose.

 

To connect with dharma, we need to be present with what is happening, stay centered, and listen for guidance. As we deal with the challenges one small step at a time, unexpected blessings can blossom in our lives.

 

Last week, I discovered this process for myself. When I was pulling into the parking lot to meet two friends for lunch, a warning light came on in my car—"emission system problem/ cooling system problem." Before lunch, I called my local car repair service and left a voice mail for them to call me back. This led to a series of steps.  When I finished my meal, my friends encouraged me to take my car in and said they'd pay the bill when it came. The local service manager helped me make an appointment with the dealer since this was a complex repair. I got a ride the next morning with a friendly AAA driver who towed my car in to the dealer, where I got a free loaner car to use.  Two days later, my car was repaired at no charge because the state pays for emissions systems repairs. I drove my car home, grateful for supportive friends, pleasant surprises, and kind professionals, realizing how my problem was solved with a series of gifts, one small step at a time.

 

Have you experienced a shift from drama to dharma in your life?

If so, what did you learn?

How we begin our days can make a major difference in our lives. Lately, I've been waking up thinking of all the things I need to do that day. With thoughts racing through my head, incessant planning, and worrying about all the things that could go wrong.

 

This is not inner peace.

 

Do you find yourself incessantly planning, with thoughts racing through your head? Being prepared is one thing. Obsessive planning is something else. It not only makes us feel bad but it's counterproductive, putting us in a stressed-out fight or flight mode, narrowing our perspective, keeping us from thinking clearly and making wise decisions.

 

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. Research reports escalating levels of anxiety and depression in the United States and around the world.[1]

 

But we can shift out of this state and begin reclaiming our peace of mind with this simple practice.

 

When you feel your mind racing, STOP

 

• Focusing on your heart, slowly breathe in
• Then slowly breathe out in a longer exhale, feeling the stress leave your body flowing out through your toes.
• Take another slow deep breath, breathing into your heart
• Then exhale slowly, releasing any tension.
• Take a third slow deep breath, breathing into your heart
• Then exhale slowly, releasing any more tension.
• Now ask yourself, "What am I feeling?"
• Pause and focus on what you've been feeling, offering yourself care and compassion.
• Then ask, "What do I need?" (physically, emotionally, or spiritually)
• And finally, ask, "What can I do?" (This can be anything from taking a break to step outside, have a meal, exercise, check in with a wise friend or counselor, or something else).

 

Remember that you have the power to shift from stress to greater peace of mind.

 

I wish you joy in the process.

 

 

 

[1] World Health Organization. (2022, March 2). COVID-19 pandemic triggers 25% increase in prevalence of anxiety and depression worldwide https://www.who.int/news/item/02-03-2022-covid-19-pandemic-triggers-25-increase-in-prevalence-of-anxiety-and-depression-worldwide

 

This week on Next Door a man in the next town posted a message about not feeling a sense of neighborhood. He had lived in the same town for decades but over the years the neighborhood had changed. People moved away. New people had moved in and he now felt surrounded by strangers.

 

Dozens of people replied, saying they felt the same way—disconnected from community. Some blamed TV, social media, back yards instead of front porches, long commutes. But whatever the cause, many of us are feeling a sense of loneliness and isolation.[1]

 

We need community. Psychologists have found that even brief moments of connecting ---"micromoments of connectivity," can dramatically raise our mood, relieve stress, reduce inflammation, relieve loneliness, and build physical and emotional well-being.These connections can be shared not only with close friends and family members but the grocery store clerk or anyone else you encounter in daily life. A simple smile, eye contact, presence, perhaps a kind word—that's all it takes.[2]

 

To renew our neighborhoods and our lives, we need to cultivate community.  We all need a circle of support and "nourishing network" is one of the five key steps to rebuilding our capacity to hope [3].

 

We can cultivate community in many ways. One of my neighbors has set up a "Little Free Library" in front of her house. This little library has become a regular part of my daily walks with my little dog Ginny. I often leave some of my books in there, then check to see if anyone has taken them, and sometimes take out an intriguing book to read myself. This simple act of giving and receiving is building community, one book at a time.

 

There are other small steps we can take— Sharing a friendly greeting with people you see, waving at a neighbor driving by, stopping to admire a neighbor's garden and introducing yourself. Sending a thoughtful card. Calling up a friend to meet at a local coffee shop.

 

By cultivating community, you not only build your own circle of support, but help to create a more cooperative, connected world.

 

 

What is one way you can cultivate community today?

 

 

 

[1]  Winerman, L. (2022, May 9). COVID-19 pandemic led to increase in loneliness around the world. American Psychological Association.https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2022/05/covid-19-increase-loneliness; Ernst, M. et al. (2022). Loneliness before and during the COVID-19 Pandemic: A systematic review with meta-analysis. American Psychologist, 77(5), 660-677. 

[2] Fredrickson, B. (2013). Love 2.0: How our supreme emotion affects everything we feel, think, do, and become. New York, NY: Hudson Street Press

 
[3] Goetzke, K. (2022). The biggest little book about hope. (2nd edition). New York, NY: Morgan James Publishing. For more about her work, see https://kathryngoetzke.com/

 

 

 

Growing up, children are often confused about who they are and what they can become. They don't need more information. Information comes at us from all directions—from parents, peers, teachers, and ever present social media. But recent research from the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has shown that  young people are suffering from record levels of depression and hopelessness and one in three teenage girls has considered suicide.[1]  

 

What young people need today is not more information but inspiration. They need hope. Research has revealed that it takes only one caring adult to make a difference in how young people see themselves and their future. Researchers Emmy Werner and Ruth Smith's classic longitudinal study has shown that knowing one supportive adult enables at-risk youth to overcome negative circumstances and lead successful, meaningful lives.

 

For over three decades, these researchers studied the lives of over five hundred young people on the Hawaiian island of Kauai. Many came from dysfunctional families, compromised by chronic poverty and unstable home environments with divorce, discord, abuse, alcoholism, and mental illness. Yet some managed to flourish, overcoming their obstacles because of one person in their lives—an aunt, uncle, or grandparent, teacher, minister, coach, or neighbor who saw them, encouraged them, and helped them see beyond their current circumstances to believe in themselves and their future.[2]  

 

As research has shown, it only takes one caring adult to help a young person develop resilience. To experience this, please join me in this brief meditation.

 

• Close your eyes and take a deep mindful breath and release it.
• As you slowly breathe in and breathe out, can you recall the first adult who really saw you, who brought new hope to your life?
• Who was this person--a teacher, coach, aunt or uncle, a helpful neighbor, scout leader, or someone else?
• What did they do or say—a kind word, a meaningful conversation, a gesture of respect and understanding? Something else?

 

Pause and experience this for a moment. How do you feel?

 

Now ask yourself, "How can I be that one caring adult for a young person in my life today?"

 

I wish you joy on the path.

 

 

[1] Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2023, February13). U.S. teen girls experiencing increased sadness and violence. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. CDC Newsroom. https://www.cdc.gov/media/releases/2023/p0213-yrbs.html

 
[2] Werner, E. E. & Smith, R. S. (1992). Overcoming the odds; High risk children from birth to adulthood. Ithaca, NY: Cornell University Press.